The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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