maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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