Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
