Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
