New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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