You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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