i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
