god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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