Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
