Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
