Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I want to be your penis for a week.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
