i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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