so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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