Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
