porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
