I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
