did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I pour the whiskey from now on
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
