i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
