I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
birth control should be required to get into college
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
