Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I wish there were birth control emojis
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Still dying that you shit outside
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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