She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
