Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
