On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
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How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
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Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.