Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!