I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
