Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
