I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
