Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
