I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
