i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
