Me. At least after what I've been through.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
