After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
