Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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