The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
