the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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