The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
