My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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