The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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