i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
