He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
