pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
