it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
