I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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