i permit you to call me
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
