Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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