His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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