he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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