hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
