you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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