I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
