Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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