I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
