$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
