i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
