omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You ruined the universe
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
