if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
