NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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