The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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