Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
