I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
